We often act as if everything is fine, denying the sometimes hidden pain of loneliness, broken relationships, stress and lack of love. While Christmas is a time when families and friends get together to celebrate, sometimes we can be unaware of the pain in the ones who are left out, alone or experiencing difficulties in their relationships.
We sometime wish we could say something to address these challenges or more specifically confront the difficult behaviours of some. But mostly we let sleeping dogs lie and, after all, it is Christmas.
Yet how can we address the difficult behaviours we experience without sacrificing the dignity and integrity of both parties, not just at Christmas time, but at anytime of the year when personal and professional relationships can become prickly? When confronted with such behaviours we can actually feel ourselves become defensive and notice inappropriate responses such as silence, aggressive talk, finding fault, shifting blame and avoiding the issue. These simply enhance the chance of ongoing mistrust that can sink into a spiral of disrespect. What can we do in these situations to build respect, affirm dignity and reduce shame?
Recently I attended a workshop on engaging in courageous conversations facilitated by Dr Michelle Mulvihill. When we experience someone exhibiting difficult behaviours it is useful to recognise the level of fear and shame we all carry. When we address such behaviours in people we inevitably trigger this fear and shame and this can result in saying things that inflame the situation rather than help. In defensive mode, we can act out of past experiences of humiliation and hurt.
Dr Mulvihill suggested we practice courageous conversations that can address the real situation without aggressive behaviour and in a way that maintains dignity and respect. She invited us to consider the process as “kind-frontation” rather than con-frontation. We could follow a simple template for conversation.
There are three steps in such a conversation: making the opening statement; talking and listening; and agreeing to the next steps each person can take. Firstly, state the problem clearly and concretely with a couple of concrete examples of the inappropriate behaviour you see. Then describe how these behaviours make you feel and how they seem to destroy the dignity of both persons. The next step in the process is to clarify what is at stake for you, the other person and even an organisation. It might be important to make it clear how destructive this behaviour is for all parties in the situation. Dr Mulvihill suggested we identify our own contribution to the situation. This might be as simple as recognising reluctance to talk about the difficulty.
Another important element of the conversation is to state clearly what you want to resolve. You might want to say that you would like to see better communication and suggest ways that might help that to happen or ask for suggestions from the other person. Don’t be afraid to stop and let silence do some heavy lifting. Invite the other person to respond, maybe asking, “what’s your take on this?”
This Christmas when we notice difficult behaviours in others or ourselves, let’s engage in ways of communication that do not belittle ourselves or the other person. At the first Christmas in the stress-filled world of a refugee family with a newborn child, they found ways to respond with love and grace and not react with aggression. Let’s practice kind-frontation in difficult times and have a happy Christmas.
