Interestingly, in a 2014 Australian study, acts of physical abuse, sexual assault and verbal threats towards one’s partner or child were identified as family or domestic violence by over 96 per cent of respondents. Only 64 per cent of respondents to this study recognised other common attempts to establish power and control over a partner or family member as domestic violence. These forms of control include monitoring a partner’s communication or extreme financial restrictions (Anglicare WA, 2014).
Sixty-four per cent? Well, I am sure 100 per cent of those suffering at the hands of controlling partners would vehemently disagree with the 36 per cent who think it’s perfectly normal to tap a partner’s phone or limit their access to their own money. I can’t give you statistics of how many people have suffered at the hands of a controlling partner because, well, there aren’t any. Most statistics are gathered due to actions that are against the law, such as physically violent behaviour. Being a narcissist is not illegal; however, narcissism is considered one of the leading controlling behaviours behind an epidemic that is frankly embarrassing to our country.
Imagine for a moment a woman has released herself from a toxic and controlling relationship – what next? She certainly doesn’t qualify for any of the emergency women’s shelters as her life isn’t in any apparent imminent danger, so she decides to go out on her own, a new life free from control.
She applies for a rental, uh-oh, she has no rental history as her husband/partner wouldn’t allow her to be on any tenancy agreement. She needs to take a bit of time off work to do this; her boss gives her grief for taking (legal) annual leave, so now her job is in danger. She sits down with the estate agent and explains her situation; said estate agent takes pity and says having no tenancy history is fine as long as she can pay the bond and four weeks upfront. Right, great … Hmm, she applies for a credit card, oops, she has no credit history as all credit cards were in her husband/partner’s name. She gets declined, do you see a cycle here? She returns to the controlling home as she has no way to break free from it. (She then calls her electricity company to update some details, oops, can’t talk to her, her name isn’t on the bill – “Can your husband/partner call and make the changes please?”)
Family Control may not leave a mark on her face, but it leaves a long-lasting emotional, psychological and complex mark on any future decision a woman trying to leave makes.
Not only do we need to look at how to stop the epidemic of death currently occurring in Australia but we need to be looking at stemming the behaviours that escalate into the increasing numbers that accompany this article.
I had the pleasure of meeting Lieutenant General David Morrison last week at the Big Shift in Sydney and was reminded of his epic speech that went viral in 2013: “The standard you walk past is the standard you condone.” So when you hear something sexist, misogynistic, controlling or otherwise, say something! Every little bit helps.
Women dead from domestic violence in October: 8
Women dead from domestic violence in 2015 to date: 75
