I have never met a person who truly believes that violence against women is okay. We all know it’s not. Even when I’ve sat in on court-mandated behaviour-change groups for men who’ve committed violence against their partners, the strong sense I had was of guys who knew they’d done the wrong thing and were desperately seeking ways to change.
But how often do we stop and think about how we, as individuals, can make that change happen? How often do we take opportunity to speak with our friends or family about it, or to stand together to say publicly that we believe in the safety and happiness of all women?
We all know that violence against women and children is the number one human rights abuse in Australia. We know that one in three of our sisters, daughters, friends, girlfriends or wives will suffer violence at the hands of a man at some point in her life. We all know that family violence is the leading cause of homelessness for women and kids in our community, and that it clogs up our courts, jails, hospitals and refuge services.
More than that though, we all know plainly and simply that violence is wrong: that no person should be robbed of health, dignity, or self-esteem, their kids, or their life, just because of the lottery of their gender.
We know all that. But what are we doing about it?
Well for me, “doing something about it” means asking myself some tough and basic questions every day, so that instead of contributing to the problem I can be part of the solution. These are the questions that I ask:
Do I truly believe that men and women are equal, even if we’re different? Do I really hope for a world where all the women I love get the same opportunities for happiness, success and safety that I take for granted? Or do I secretly think that men have a special place of privilege in this world that women will never share?
Do I ever say anything to my friends or colleagues when they speak about women in ways that I know are out of line? I mean, we all know that feeling of embarrassment when one of our mates makes a joke that goes too far, or when someone runs down their partner in a really awful way. But do we ever pluck up the courage to actually say, “Hey mate, come on …”
How do I manage conflict in my relationships? No one expects two people to get along perfectly for their whole lives. There will always be disagreements or disputes in a relationship. But when that happens, how do I deal with it? Do I shout and swear and call my partner names, or threaten her or hit her so that I get my own way? Or do I try to sit down with her and calmly work it out? In other words, do I truly seek to love and be loved, or do I just want to be obeyed?
Do I show my sons and daughters and mates what respect and equality really mean by living a respectful life myself? Do I do my fair share of the housework, do I take an active role in nurturing my kids instead of just being a good-time dad, do I treat my partner with kindness and respect by valuing her contributions and making space for her interests, do I show my kids that a man doesn’t have to be the tough guy in control of every situation, and do I celebrate the achievements of my boys and girls equally, or is a win in footy somehow better than a win in netball?
Do I ever talk to my kids about their world? We know that children these days are bombarded with movies and games and ads and websites and tweets that portray men as all-powerful warriors and big-dicked studs, while portraying women as either meek and mild nurturers or huge-breasted nymphos. Kids take those messages in. Of course we can’t stop them from absorbing this stuff, but we can try to teach them that these images are a fiction, that real life isn’t like that, and that there are different ways to be a real man or an authentic woman. We can teach them what it means to give and expect respect.
My wife and I have two little boys and a little girl. They are terrific kids (99.6 per cent of the time) and I know that if we raise them right, our boys will grow up to be fine men who are judged on the quality of their characters and the merit of their deeds. Of course, we hope that our little girl will be judged the same way, but we know that there’s a fair chance she’ll also be judged on what she looks like in a pair of denim shorts, or what she’s prepared to do for her boyfriend in the bedroom as a teenager, or whether she can “grow a pair of balls” in the boardroom. And we know that there’s a good chance she’llnever feel as safe walking home at night, or being home at night, as our boys will.
Now, it horrifies me to think that my girl would ever be attacked or belittled by a man she loved, or by anyone. But it horrifies me just as much to think that either of my boys would ever think it was okay to treat a woman that way.
I want my sons and my daughter to grow up in a world where they are equal, where they are given exactly the same opportunities for success and happiness, and where they are in the best possible kinds of relationships where respect, dignity and love are shared. But none of that is possible in a world where men feel entitled to dominate women through any form of violence, whether it be the violence of the hand or the violence of the mind. And sadly, in our world, there are too many men who feel that way.
Of course, it’s easy to fall into a sense of helplessness when the problem is so huge and so entrenched in our culture. But the good news is that we can change our world for the better, every single one of us, if we just remember this simple truth: it starts with me. Me, asking myself the big questions.
As I said at the start, we all know that violence is wrong. But let’s not just keep asking, “What are they going to do about it?” Instead let’s ask, “What am I going to do about it?” Because every action we take, every word we utter, sets a standard for our world to aspire to. As the great Irish statesman Edmund Burke once said, “nobody ever made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little”.
We all want to see an end to violence against women and girls. But if we want to see the change, we have to be the change. Lots of littles make a lot.
